Here it is, December - 22 or so. Been thinking about this for a number of weeks.
"Who decides what I can or cannot take, and who is going to pay for that when the drugs are more than my salary. "
I was taking a medication that is suppose to fix some of the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. One of my rules, is that I never take a medication that requires "special authorization", under the rules of BlueCross. To me, it feels quite awkward to have to fill out paperwork, and beg for the meds that helped me get through the last 30 days before that. And someone who pushes paper, never gets to live with someone who cannot sleep, for 2 or 3 or 4 days, until exhaustion overcomes the pain and finally the body surrenders to the pain and then I sleep. Pain relief is something that only comes in short intervals, when the long acting meds can reduce the pain levels to a point where I don't have pain in the forefront of my mind. There are many times, when I use many things to distract my mind from the pain. Exercise, Sex, riding a motorcycle, walking in the woods, shooting, fishing on a quiet stream, taking time to hunt, going to the dance club-and banging my Cain into the floor with such force that I am making my own beat to the music. When my back is bad, I love the loud music of a dance club, with a COKE and EFFIN loud music to take my mind off of the pain. I can tap my feet, even though I cannot dance, but I can enjoy it and go back 30 years to when I was a kid and never had this problem.
On the 10th of Dec - BlueCross sent the letter to tell me that I would have to pay for this medication out of my pocket. The bill was a couple hundred dollars. I am sure that you are like me - have plenty of disposable income, for meds. They told me that they would not cover my meds and that my Doc had to provide them with more proof that I needed this and that any proof for the stuff and any money the Doc might want for filling out the paperwork- WOULD BE OUT OF MY POCKET. Thanks - AH - your the ones who have been paying for my meds for 3 years, and this is not enough proof.
On the 16th of Dec - they sent me a second letter. saying - Approved - for an indefinite time period - in any way my Doc prescribes. I guess that he probably told them about the surgery consult, the CATScan rides I have taken that finally proved that what I had claimed for 25 years, was real and not in my head.
So after 25 years of being told that I had no pain, but really did - Resulted in my body rebelling to make sure that my mind knew that there was something wrong. I am going to tell you that telling your body that it does not hurt, when it does, is really sick. It is really interesting when you have a Doc, who spends an hour, to tell me that I was not wrong. That I have a severe reason for my body to hurt, and in the same breath, there is not a single thing that I can do to fix this. In my mind, I can heal myself, but in reality, I am always going to have a set of special requirements that need to be dealt with and require me to make daily accommodations to live with these sets of conditions.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Resistance is Futile!
Morning all - sunny -just above freezing.
This is something that I deal with on a continual basis. Pain, from the mechanical movement. Arthritis too,so I have to move in order to keep pain at bay. These are some of my daily acute pain issues. It is these that sets up the chronic as a side "PAIN" show to my life. It is neither good or bad, it is there. I try not to buy into it.
A little math play.
Area of a rectangle is height X length. If you make the length of the rectangle, twice as long, you double the area, but you still have the same height. 2A= H X 2L
Take this further A = H X infinite L = infinity.
Here is the thing - and this is not my original thought!
Pain is length - it can go on, like 2 X L or infinite, for days, weeks or 25 years or a lifetime.
Height = to the variable known as my resistance or acceptance. If my Acceptance is high, H is a low number. If Acceptance is low - Height can be a great number.
Suffering = Resistance[conversely Acceptance] X Pain
The Math marvel of this is - as I reduce my resistance to pain, no matter how long or "BIG" the pain is, the suffering can be reduced to zero.
Suffering = small number X Pain
Area = small number [height] x pain
I can reduce my suffering to zero, by reducing my fight against the pain or in turn, putting my full attention on it and watching it during a high cycle. Normally for me, my pain has waves, these changes are not noticed, until my full focus goes to the pain and I look at it, and not allow it to slap me, with out my going to find it and find out what it wants. If I ignore it, it gets louder, like a truant child. As I pay fuller and more direct attention, the message that the pain has for me, becomes clearer and I can make decisions about what I want to do with the "PAIN" and with my body, to reduce it somewhat.
This is something that I deal with on a continual basis. Pain, from the mechanical movement. Arthritis too,so I have to move in order to keep pain at bay. These are some of my daily acute pain issues. It is these that sets up the chronic as a side "PAIN" show to my life. It is neither good or bad, it is there. I try not to buy into it.
A little math play.
Area of a rectangle is height X length. If you make the length of the rectangle, twice as long, you double the area, but you still have the same height. 2A= H X 2L
Take this further A = H X infinite L = infinity.
Here is the thing - and this is not my original thought!
Pain is length - it can go on, like 2 X L or infinite, for days, weeks or 25 years or a lifetime.
Height = to the variable known as my resistance or acceptance. If my Acceptance is high, H is a low number. If Acceptance is low - Height can be a great number.
Suffering = Resistance[conversely Acceptance] X Pain
The Math marvel of this is - as I reduce my resistance to pain, no matter how long or "BIG" the pain is, the suffering can be reduced to zero.
Suffering = small number X Pain
Area = small number [height] x pain
I can reduce my suffering to zero, by reducing my fight against the pain or in turn, putting my full attention on it and watching it during a high cycle. Normally for me, my pain has waves, these changes are not noticed, until my full focus goes to the pain and I look at it, and not allow it to slap me, with out my going to find it and find out what it wants. If I ignore it, it gets louder, like a truant child. As I pay fuller and more direct attention, the message that the pain has for me, becomes clearer and I can make decisions about what I want to do with the "PAIN" and with my body, to reduce it somewhat.
Monday, October 12, 2009
This is just for myself - so take it for what it is worth!
Blue Moon
Cresent Moon
Diana - Goddess
Powerful help
There is fun in tummy
Fun is power
The water fall flows
Water was here before you and after you
==============================
Breathe into the Thymus gland
Ambrosia
Milk of forgetfulness
Green glow in leg
No more fake paneling
Blue Moon
Cresent Moon
Diana - Goddess
Powerful help
There is fun in tummy
Fun is power
The water fall flows
Water was here before you and after you
==============================
Breathe into the Thymus gland
Ambrosia
Milk of forgetfulness
Green glow in leg
No more fake paneling
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Chronic Pain personalities
I take time on a couple of websites - that allow for self help and mutual suppport. I have read and posted at places for probalby 10 years. There is a need to point out, what personalities make the best recovery. [IMHO = based on Psycology studies]
The Whiner - This person seems to enjoy being in the middle of thier mess and is only there to get sympathy and pity. They never want a solution to thier prolbems. They just want someone to listen to thier complaints. If and when someone points out simple truths, that are easily seen in thier writing, they normally turn into someone who complains of being picked on. Shortly after, they become the angry person who is going to use all manners of little language to berate you.
The meek - I truely hope that these persons get some help, becuase they can change and get better quickly. In some cases, they think they deserve this mess that has been dealt to them. They don't understand that they are just unfortuante to have been given a disease and now, must find ways to LIVE with it! AS they see paths away from thier pain and illness, they get better quick. It does not go away, but the attitude helps them deal with it.
The winner - be'er - do-er, Here we have someone who has an attitude of living with an illness, in a positive way. They see each day as a challenge, one to be met and lived to the fullest. There are days when they outdo themselves and so they are "sick" for a period. They go back and try again, not pushing so hard, trying to get past the life altering things that happen to us each day. If there is a wall, they go around, tunnel under, go over, blow it up, pole vault and generally never accept, that this is thier life experience. They will seek change, good or bad, but change for its own sake.
I hope you day is better for having read a little -
The Whiner - This person seems to enjoy being in the middle of thier mess and is only there to get sympathy and pity. They never want a solution to thier prolbems. They just want someone to listen to thier complaints. If and when someone points out simple truths, that are easily seen in thier writing, they normally turn into someone who complains of being picked on. Shortly after, they become the angry person who is going to use all manners of little language to berate you.
The meek - I truely hope that these persons get some help, becuase they can change and get better quickly. In some cases, they think they deserve this mess that has been dealt to them. They don't understand that they are just unfortuante to have been given a disease and now, must find ways to LIVE with it! AS they see paths away from thier pain and illness, they get better quick. It does not go away, but the attitude helps them deal with it.
The winner - be'er - do-er, Here we have someone who has an attitude of living with an illness, in a positive way. They see each day as a challenge, one to be met and lived to the fullest. There are days when they outdo themselves and so they are "sick" for a period. They go back and try again, not pushing so hard, trying to get past the life altering things that happen to us each day. If there is a wall, they go around, tunnel under, go over, blow it up, pole vault and generally never accept, that this is thier life experience. They will seek change, good or bad, but change for its own sake.
I hope you day is better for having read a little -
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wed, why does it hurt?
Well - to give a little background, I had a re-visit to the painful side of this problem, last week. I got up at 0530, to get ready for work. As I slowly raised myself on my legs, I felt my upper body shift left, while my lumbar shifted right. Felt odd, then acute pain started. I sat back down on the bed and assessed how I felt. I went over a quick body-scan and when I felt that things were not too bad, I again began to raise myself on my legs. I told myself that I would be fine and that this happens from time to time, but it has been quite a while! Showered and got ready for work. I eased myself into the truck and drove in for 0620.
When I arrived at work and went to ease out of the truck, I noticed that there was now shooting pain down both of my legs. "This is not good" So I began to implement my emergency plan for myself. This means that I plan on not moving too much, I do stretch my back and legs on a constant basis and try to minimize the amount of unneeded movement as best I can. Pacing is the modern term. Well I paced everything I did that day. And yes, I used all of the coping mechanisms that I had available to relieve this a bit. I spent the day, going from 10 minute walks to 5 minute stretches and back again. I practiced meditation, almost immediately, at 0600 in order to gain insights into the issues I was dealing with. My employer, later in the day, asked me why I did not go home? Well, good question, I probably should have, but I felt that my staff had been here and they needed their days off too. I felt, at the time, that I would be able to learn a bit from this incident. Learn to more fully integrate meditation, practice mindful movement and in general, get a better understanding for myself. BTW - I also had a physio that morning and as I put it to my Therapist there, "you are seeing a 1 in 100 day, I don't normally have issues like this." He looked things over and quickly told me: "do everything that you normally would do for yourself, when your are in a high pain cycle and use all of the medications that you are allowed to use. Keep stretching all the time and I want to see you ASAP as well!"
I spent the rest of the day, just getting things down as best I could and really feeling like the best thing for me would be to stop all activity. The problem is that I know from 25+ years experience that doing this only results in my stiffening up really badly and with that it takes forever to get me loosened up again. So what is the plan? Hot, cold, TENS unit, walking, stretching, self massage, meditation, body scans, guided imagery of healing hands on my body. Trying to sleep at night and not make the incident catastrophic.
When I arrived at work and went to ease out of the truck, I noticed that there was now shooting pain down both of my legs. "This is not good" So I began to implement my emergency plan for myself. This means that I plan on not moving too much, I do stretch my back and legs on a constant basis and try to minimize the amount of unneeded movement as best I can. Pacing is the modern term. Well I paced everything I did that day. And yes, I used all of the coping mechanisms that I had available to relieve this a bit. I spent the day, going from 10 minute walks to 5 minute stretches and back again. I practiced meditation, almost immediately, at 0600 in order to gain insights into the issues I was dealing with. My employer, later in the day, asked me why I did not go home? Well, good question, I probably should have, but I felt that my staff had been here and they needed their days off too. I felt, at the time, that I would be able to learn a bit from this incident. Learn to more fully integrate meditation, practice mindful movement and in general, get a better understanding for myself. BTW - I also had a physio that morning and as I put it to my Therapist there, "you are seeing a 1 in 100 day, I don't normally have issues like this." He looked things over and quickly told me: "do everything that you normally would do for yourself, when your are in a high pain cycle and use all of the medications that you are allowed to use. Keep stretching all the time and I want to see you ASAP as well!"
I spent the rest of the day, just getting things down as best I could and really feeling like the best thing for me would be to stop all activity. The problem is that I know from 25+ years experience that doing this only results in my stiffening up really badly and with that it takes forever to get me loosened up again. So what is the plan? Hot, cold, TENS unit, walking, stretching, self massage, meditation, body scans, guided imagery of healing hands on my body. Trying to sleep at night and not make the incident catastrophic.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Chronic Pain Industry -- ! ? !
Hello, I guess you may have figured out with a name change, that I am thinking in a whole new lineage of thought, Yep! Nonsequtor as usual! The reason for this is that I have spent many months in pursuit of answers to my condition. You see, I have a problem with my spine. It started with trying to figure out why I ached a lot. 24 months later, I am told, "Well - I have good news and bad news. Good news is I know why you hurt, Bad news is there is not much I can do to fix it." And so this was my final verdict on my issues with my spine. I since have figured out that like most things, you need to be very careful how you work, how you play and how you get around. I posted the question and title, "Chronic Pain Industry" because as much as everyone wants a solution to this problem, there seems to be a great reluctance to "FIX" this really well. Think about it. We have all kinds of "Therapies". Pharmacology, Mind-Body, Cog-Behav-Therapy, straight meditation, pain-killer, anti-inflamatories, ice, aroma-therapy, Reiki? Physical Therapy, and a whole host of other things that promise to help you.
Let me tell you this, I'm not convinced, having experienced what I describe as "discomfort" and what I mean is that my back,neck,legs and hurting, so much so, that I can only sit, walk and meditate for 10 to 20 minutes at a time, on any task, and must keep moving in order not to freeze up. I have sciatica that has not been part of my issues for about 18 months, but today is so bad that my right legs feels like there is a spike through it and my flesh ripped off the upper leg. I work at maintaining an attitude of acceptance and equinimity. I have had this before. I've had blood pressure through the roof, and been to ER to get shots drop the acute pain side.
I ask about the "Industry" because of this point. Is all of this just a form of snake oil salemanship? Is a person in pain, willing to do anything to move away from the pain and pay anything for that "Service"? Probably, and that is my thought, are we being duped into thinking that we can fix ourselves, for a pile of cash and the right healer, or is the best thing for us to do, is just sit quietly and listen to our breath and listen to our heart. Can I open to the pain and feel the waves crash upon me, as the ocean runs onto shore.
Yes - I can, I can live with pain and begin to learn from it, for every day is completely different and a wonder that I am still here. Think about the 300 billion blood cells that have spent the last 24 hours running around, without you every having to direct them to pick up harmful things and expell them from your lungs, and you never directed any of it. How cool is that.
I am going to take the time to catalogue my 25 years of experience with acute, and then chronic pain, sciatica, lumbar issues and a whole host of issues, as they arise.
Let me tell you this, I'm not convinced, having experienced what I describe as "discomfort" and what I mean is that my back,neck,legs and hurting, so much so, that I can only sit, walk and meditate for 10 to 20 minutes at a time, on any task, and must keep moving in order not to freeze up. I have sciatica that has not been part of my issues for about 18 months, but today is so bad that my right legs feels like there is a spike through it and my flesh ripped off the upper leg. I work at maintaining an attitude of acceptance and equinimity. I have had this before. I've had blood pressure through the roof, and been to ER to get shots drop the acute pain side.
I ask about the "Industry" because of this point. Is all of this just a form of snake oil salemanship? Is a person in pain, willing to do anything to move away from the pain and pay anything for that "Service"? Probably, and that is my thought, are we being duped into thinking that we can fix ourselves, for a pile of cash and the right healer, or is the best thing for us to do, is just sit quietly and listen to our breath and listen to our heart. Can I open to the pain and feel the waves crash upon me, as the ocean runs onto shore.
Yes - I can, I can live with pain and begin to learn from it, for every day is completely different and a wonder that I am still here. Think about the 300 billion blood cells that have spent the last 24 hours running around, without you every having to direct them to pick up harmful things and expell them from your lungs, and you never directed any of it. How cool is that.
I am going to take the time to catalogue my 25 years of experience with acute, and then chronic pain, sciatica, lumbar issues and a whole host of issues, as they arise.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Don't you like how sheep act?
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126925.600-cunning-psychopaths-manipulate-their-way-out-of-jail.html?DCMP=OTC-rss&nsref=online-news
This really tells me that horrible people, can and do have better ability to fit in and affect thier environment.
Cheers -David
This really tells me that horrible people, can and do have better ability to fit in and affect thier environment.
Cheers -David
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